Walking The Line in a Diverse Group

During my latest visit to Europe, I was invited to a party -  a paint party. Gerd, a good friend, and I were helping some friends paint their three hundred year old home in northern Austria).  Three Germans joined a group of Austrians.  By chance, all the Germans arrived at the same time. When we self-organized, all the Germans happened to end up in one team. We became the “German team”. The others became the” Austrian teams”. Walter, the homeowner and project leader, picked up on this theme, and called us to lunch with our “team names”. We compared our accomplishments as teams and jokingly entered a competition about who worked faster and better. Our meal was filled with jokes about German and Austrian stereotypes -  all in an atmosphere of mutual respect and good will among friends.  Our solid personal relationships were the foundation for this playful scene. The comments contributed to our fun, joy and effectiveness of working together.

It is difficult to imagine a similar conversation happening in the US.  My experience here is that people usually talk about differences seriously or they don’t talk about them at all. Sometimes, they even pretend differences are not there. It was refreshing for me to experience how people treated differences quite openly. Here, they used them in a light and entertaining tone that all participants seemed to enjoy. The group was small enough that everyone was seen as an individual. After the party, I mentioned these observations to Gerd. Having worked there for many years, he was familiar with the playful comments of Austrians about Germans and vice versa and also participated in these “play-offs”.  Nevertheless, he confided there were moments when he felt like a minority in Austria - moments of ‘discomfort’.

Hearing his story, I was reminded of the fine line to walk when playing or working in a diverse group. As a receiver of comments, you know if a comment is fun or hurtful. For the person who makes the comment, it is not easy to know how it will be perceived. Lots of factors contribute to how a comment is received. Nevertheless, some characteristics might make it more likely that a comment will be hurtful instead of light and funny.

 Comments easily become hurtful when they

1.       Are about a minority group
Belonging to a minority group in companies, countries or other environments is different compared to being a member of the majority. My friend Gerd belongs to a minority within the company and the country. The Austrians (the majority) commented on the minority group. My friend was aware that he was the minority and how that influenced his sensitivity of comments about Germans.

2.       Increase within a short amount of time
In Europe, Europeans frequently comment about the other groups or nations. Typically, it flows into the conversation. If the remarks stay within a certain balance, it is not perceived as an issue. If a situation leads to increased comments about specific groups, these remarks can be perceived more hurtful than typically. For example, this summer Austria hosted the European soccer championship for two weeks. During that time, Austrians were joking about Germans more than usual. Gerd perceived some remarks as more hurtful and was reminded of his minority status

3.       Are made about groups in general and in an impersonal way
Comments that are made in general terms about a whole group of people, like in the example above, and via impersonal communication vehicles such as email or SMS they are more likely to be perceived as hurtful. In Gerd’s story, the Austrians sent out general comments about ‘the Germans’ via email. This medium lacks personal information such as intonation, facial expressions and opportunities to characterize individuals.

 

Keeping these characteristics in mind can help you identify if your comments may be perceived as hurtful.

Consider

1.       The minority has probably already heard all the comments you want to make. They are aware that they are a minority. If your communication focuses on the distinctions you might contribute to that sense of separation. Instead focus on what you like about them and how you value the individual.

2.       Situations in which the distinctions of groups are highlighted e.g. due to certain events (e.g. competitive games, political events, crimes). Focus on what integrates the individual into your environment.

3.       A balance between looking at the individual versus the group: Choose to speak directly to the other person using a rich communication medium such as face-to-face or phone. Tell them how you perceive them as a person. Avoid emails or text messages about ‘the group’ to lots of people.

Ultimately, if you want to discover the impact of your comments, ask the other person how they perceive comments about groups they belong to. Share with them how you feel being in the majority. Asking the other person will help you build a trusting relationship. If you have a trusting relationship, making comments about the differences a part of life can be useful if done in a playful and caring manner.